4 Tips on Compromising How Often You Have Sex
In movies we always see happy couples have sex in the same ways. It’s always spontaneous, passionate, and frequent. Now think about your sex life with your partner – it’s a little (or a lot) different, right? A lot of couples I see say that they want to have more quality sex, but have different views ; “but my partner wants it all the time,” or “they never want to have sex.” But what if I told you that you and your partner are a lot closer in how often you want to have sex than you think?
Sit down with your partner and write on a piece of paper how often you think the other person ideally wants to have sex each week. Then below that, write how often you want to have sex each week. Compare these numbers – you’ll usually find that they actually want sex a similar amount to you. There’ll still usually be one of you who wants sex more or less, which is totally normal. But the question is: how can I compromise but still feel satisfied with how often we have sex?
For the Partner Who Wants Sex More
Schedule Sex: This can sound like a very unnatural and unexciting thing to try in your sex life, but it can be the exact opposite. Scheduling sex is important because it sends the message that you both think sex is important, and are willing to carve out a time in your week to do just that. Having a time where you know you’ll have sex may let you feel less urgency to have sex at other points during the week. It can also be exciting because this can be a time that you and your partner can try different positions, add in toys, or incorporate anything else that you want to try out.
Incorporate Non-Sexual Touch: For a lot of people, the urge to have physical contact doesn’t necessarily mean they must have sex. You might be just as satisfied and have your needs filled if you’re simply able to touch, and be touched by your partner. Instead of expecting a back massage or a long kiss to lead to sex, just enjoy giving or receiving a massage. Non-sexual touch is a great way to feel close and loving to your partner, without any pressure.
For the Partner Who Wants Sex Less
Go on Dates: You and your partner probably work a lot, and don’t have much free time away from the kids and other responsibilities. You may have thought or even said before that you just don’t have time, or are too tired for sex. Going on dates isn’t only an opportunity to spend a romantic night out together to raise that desire for sex, but it’s great to simply feel energized and more connected to your partner. Without having work to think about, or the kids to deal with for a couple hours can make it feel like you’re dating again.
Think Erotically of Your Partner: A big reason why couples have less sex is that they don’t think of each other as a sexual being like they did when they first dated. Reverse this; during the day, think about what you like about your partner. Think about their smile, their body, something sexy they said to you before, or a time you had sex before that was incredibly pleasing. Picturing someone in this way will eventually have you naturally thinking of them sexually.
Behaviors to Avoid
Reacting Based Off of Your Feelings of Rejection: Many partners who want sex more, but don’t receive it, will start to feel rejected by their partner. They’ll view it less as their partner simply not being in the mood, and more so that there’s something wrong with themselves; that they’re unattractive, or their partner doesn’t love them as much, or their partner is selfish for not giving them sex. They also tend to try to pressure their partner into having sex more. These reactions can easily turn into resentments, and continue the snowball effect to become more and more destructive for the relationship - and that partner usually ends up with even less sex.
For example, if I’m the one to initiate sex for the 20th time in a row, and each time I’m met with, “I don’t want to”, I’ll start to question myself, my attractiveness maybe. And because this is very uncomfortable for me, I’ll put the blame on you, and blame you for being too cold. Now, what I want is for you to prove you’re not cold, and to have sex with me, but the opposite happens. You think “oh I’ll show him how cold I can be”, and continue to battle against each other.
Dismissing Your Partner Because You're Currently Satisfied: A lot of times the partner who wants sex less won’t be as willing to compromise because they’re satisfied with the amount they’re having. Having sex less isn’t an issue for them, and will view their partner as hyper-sexual and the opposition, instead of a person who simply desires it more and is their teammate. They’ll often scoff at their partner's distress over the lack of sex and not take it seriously. This will only lead to more resentments and frustrations for both partners.
An example for this too: if you’re frequently pushing sex, this won’t only push me away from wanting sex with you, but I’ll start to take you less seriously. You’ll seem desperate in a way, and I’ll feel a bit more powerful than you. Then, as a way to try to stop you from being so desperate, I’ll mock you so that you’ll either stand up for yourself, or stop asking me for sex entirely. The opposite happens again, this desperation actually increases, or maybe you start contemplating sex outside of the relationship.
As you can see, if either person wants to get what they want, they’ll have to work together as a team instead of working against each other.
Again, the point is to compromise so that you’re both satisfied, not to just give in to what your partner wants. And compromise doesn’t have to be a chore, it can actually be a lot of fun, which is what sex should be.
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