The Map Metaphor That Helps Couples Finally Understand Each Other

For most of us, we haven't had a great model or any education on how to productively communicate, especially with a significant other. If our parents don't have healthy communication, that's what will be modeled for us. Even if we have parents who have a good relationship, oftentimes they'll handle conflict behind closed doors, so we won't have any idea what communicating in a healthy way looks like – and we certainly don't have any time spent on that in school.  

So most of us are left to figure it out on our own. Some people are able to learn in various different ways how to work through issues constructively, but many other people are stuck in ineffective dynamics. So today we're going to be talking about a metaphor I use  in my couples work that I think is pretty helpful in regards to how to think about healthy communication.  

But first, let's talk about why having a metaphor like this can be helpful. If I look at communicating with my spouse as a chore, or something that I absolutely don't want to do, there's an extremely high chance that whenever an issue comes up, it's going to turn into an argument. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – I don't want to communicate because it turns into a fight, and so of course it turns into a fight because I'm not being open or trying to work with you. Looking at communication in general in a different way doesn't solve the problem as there's many other difficult parts of communicating well, but it at least gives you a foundation to work off of. It sets your sights on a framework that's helpful, even if you haven't mastered acting out that framework with each other yet.  

Hopefully that makes sense, but let's get into the metaphor, and we'll start out with the unproductive version that a lot of couples get stuck in... Imagine you and your partner are lost in the woods together – you're lost, don't know where to go, stressed, tired, but each of you has one third of a map. When we're in an unproductive conversation, metaphorically it's like each of us are trying to show our part of the map to the other person. But what happens? The other person is also trying to show us their part of the map. 

So Person A is saying, look here, look at these landmarks on my map, look at this trail, and the terrain that I think we were on – we have to follow my map. 

Then Person B says, well no, look at MY map, I think the trails here were actually the ones we were on, and look we passed this landmark earlier, we have to follow mine. 

They go back and forth with each other because each person is so convinced that their side of the map is the truth, or the correct one. They're both expressing at the same time, both trying to be heard, but neither one is listening to the other person. So they just get more and more frustrated and feel less and less heard until it ends up in a fight. Then they leave that conversation with "proof" that the other person doesn't listen to them, doesn't value their opinion and is inconsiderate of them. They also don't find any solutions – they came in to the conversation with their third of the map, and leave with only that, because they didn't listen to their partner's third of the map, and haven't found the missing third yet.  

And I think that's one of the most common problems that couples experience – it's not that they genuinely don't want to work together, it's that they are both trying to be heard at the exact same time. Which makes sense, if I'm frustrated or really want to be heard, it can be extremely difficult to put my thoughts and feelings to the side for that moment, and just listen to the other person.  

But now let's change that dynamic. So again, imagine that same scenario – lost in the woods together with a third of a map each, but when they go to look at their pieces of the map, there's more patience. Partner A says, look at this, I think it's a map of where we're lost. I think I remember walking past this landmark a few hours ago.  

And Partner B says, wow that's interesting – mine doesn't show that but you might be right. Let's look at that some more. 

And you examine Partner A's map a little more – partner A sharing all the details, and partner B just soaking it in, learning from partner A. After a little while Partner A feels satisfied – they feel heard and that Partner B really paid attention to their side.  

Partner B then says, well I have a piece of it too that I'd really like to show you.  

Partner A says, absolutely, let's look at it together.  

Same thing here, they talk some more until Partner B feels understood.  

But that's not the end of the story – the moment that both partners feel understood and heard, the missing third of the map materializes in front of them, connecting the two pieces. Now they're able to see the full picture of their situation, and start to find their way out. 

Now why does it work like that, metaphorically in this story but also pragmatically in relationships? When we don't feel heard by the other person, there's no progress – there's no moving forward in the conversation. Just like the metaphor, if I think you're just trying to convince me you're right, I'm going to fight against that, because my perspective holds value. It's not deserving of being dismissed by you (the tricky thing is that the other person will usually feel the exact same way; in non-abusive relationships we're creating this unhealthy dynamic together, there's not one bad guy or a victim and oppressor).  

But if you listen to me and try to understand where I'm coming from – especially when you have a different perspective – we're going to get somewhere. And that's why in the metaphor the final third just appears – if we listen to each other we understand their perspective, and once that happens we're able to see the conflict as a whole from another angle – an angle that we would've never gotten to if we didn't listen.  

Now I could do multiple videos just on listening, but one important point is that listening and showing the other person you understand their perspective, their part of the map, is not the same as agreeing. You can listen and validate the other person's thoughts or feelings without agreeing or saying that they are the truth. But you can still have an appreciation for them – saying something along the lines of, "I completely understand why you felt that way, it makes tons of sense to me" is showing your partner that you get them. Usually that's much more important than agreeing with your partner and their perspective.  

I also encourage you to think about this dynamic in terms of your own relationship – do you and your partner ever get stuck like this, due in large part that you're both trying to share your perspective at the same time? And would it be helpful to take turns? For the partner bringing it up to be the speaker and the other partner to be the listener, and then to flip roles once the first partner feels understood?  

Again, I think metaphors can be pretty helpful so you can use this or another one that resonates even more. So to recap, try to learn more about your partners side of the map. In doing so, the two of you will have the full picture and be able to move forward together as a team.  

As always, if this is too difficult to work through on your own, couples therapy can be a great option to work through unproductive dynamics, and actually hear each other and feel heard. If this was helpful consider subscribing and clicking the like button, let me know if you have any questions about this way of communicating, and I'll see you in the next video. Have a great day.