The Myth that Men Shouldn’t Cry in Front of Their Kids

I was scrolling on TikTok the other day, and this is a video that popped up for me. So in today's video, we're going to be breaking down this myth - that men shouldn't cry at all, let alone cry in front of their kids. Stick around so that we can go through why this myth is so prevalent, the grains of truth in it, the downsides of this belief, and what I believe is an alternative and more healthy way to look at men crying. 

You could probably word it a bunch of ways, but the myth is that if you're a man, you shouldn't cry - and specifically for this video, you shouldn't cry in front of your kids. That if you do cry, you're showing weakness and you're making those around you fearful since they're not protected, and that they'll also respect you less and look at you differently. For some people this myth is literally that if you cry you're objectively a weak person, whereas for other people the myth is that you shouldn't cry because others will absolutely look at you negatively in some way. 

Before we get into the grains of truth, let's talk about why this view is so prevalent. I came up with 3 main factors – first, many of us were raised by a dad that didn't express more vulnerable emotions, so when he was vulnerable, it caught us off guard, it was scary, or we didn't know what to do. We might not have looked at him negatively in terms of thinking to ourselves that he was weak, but it was scary to us – we didn't know how to process it and sure as hell couldn't talk to him about it, so we naturally start to associate crying with our fear; thus having an aversion to men crying. 

Second, it's easier to think in black or white ways. It makes it very simple – either you never cry and are a pillar for your family, or you do cry and everyone around you is now scared & unprotected. Now of course this is not true, but humans are tended towards thinking in black and white – it can take a lot of mental and emotional energy to see any gray.  

Finally third, our society has both overt and covert negative messages around men being vulnerable. There are countless examples but an overt message is this video – he's literally saying you shouldn't cry in front of your kids. A covert message could be how a tv show portrays a more vulnerable male character – they will get walked all over, not be respected, etc etc. Both of these types of messaging convey the same message – that if you're a man, you shouldn't be vulnerable – that the only emotions you should express are anger and possibly happiness.  

Now you might be asking yourself, how could there be grains of truth to this? But bear with me, as with most myths there will be some lesson to learn from it, even if the main message isn't helpful. The first grain of truth is that if we take it to the extreme, it makes sense. If a child has a parent (mom or dad), that is consistently emotionally unregulated and even leans on their kids to regulate them, this can certainly instill anxiety in that child and create other unhealthy dynamics. I think most parents would agree that you don't want to put your child in the position of taking care of you or parentifying them, which is much different from simply sharing your emotions with your child.  

The second grain of truth is that unfortunately yes, there are plenty of women (of course not all, but there are many) who also believe this myth and don't want their husbands to show vulnerability. So the grain of truth is that in some situations, he WILL be looked at negatively, even if he's expressing himself in a completely healthy and productive manner.  

And third, you might have had your own experience of your dad crying and that being a very scary moment for you. So of course your takeaway will be that crying in front of your kids is wrong – it happened to me so it must be the same for my kids. But was it the crying that impacted you, or the lack of transparency or processing through what you're feeling? My guess is for many of you that have had an experience like that, your dad didn't then talk with you about him crying, his emotions, or what effect it had on you. Which is incredibly important, as we'll get to.  

So there are some grains of truth, but what are the downsides of having this belief? First, for our own sake, we feel the need to suppress our feelings, which doesn't allow us to actually work through them, or lean on others to cope. We're left alone to suffer, not knowing how to move THROUGH them or get help from others. 

Second, we can become extremely fearful or uncomfortable around crying. Instead of viewing it as a normal emotion, we view it with all of these negative labels that creates even more stress if we are feeling like we could cry.  

Third, in regards to our kids, we're teaching them that a strong man is only one who isn't vulnerable - we're not showing them that a strong man (or person) can be vulnerable; that these two are not mutually exclusive.  

Fourth, we're not teaching them how to regulate their emotions. If we just suppress, we're neglecting all of those opportunities to show our kids that you can have these intense emotions, but can regulate them.  

And finally, we're teaching our kids and especially our sons to be afraid of those emotions, or to never share them with those around you. Even dads who want their sons to lean on others - if you're suppressing those vulnerable feelings yourself, that's likely what your son will pick up on. 

Okay, we understand the myth, why it's prevalent, the truths, and the downsides. But what's another way, what's an alternative? Allow yourself to cry in front of your kids. If one of your parents is in bad health or has passed, if a pet dies, if you're watching an emotional movie, and especially the happy or proud tears – try to let yourself cry if you're feeling like it in the moment. You don't have to dramatize it, but try not to hid it from them. 

If you do this, talk to them about it. Talk to them about the feeling that you're having in a way where you're normalizing it. You're telling them that this is not something you or they need to fear; yes I'm feeling a feeling, but I know how to work through it. 

If they ask if you want a hug, take the hug and thank them for it. You can also check in on them in the moment or later and ask them if they had any feelings about your feelings. 

This is much, much easier said than done, but I encourage you to try doing so if you're willing. I'd also say to be patient with yourself, and that it will feel completely unnatural at first. But over time, if you continue being a great role model for your child, not only will you feel more natural and comfortable with it, but you'll be teaching them invaluable lessons about emotions that we all feel.  

You can also start doing this even if your kids are used to a different way. It make take some time to adjust, but if you're consistent, this could become the new normal.  

So again easier said than done, but why is this even better? What's the reasons for making this change. Well, there's a few I came up with. First is that you're showing them that it's okay to express these emotions, AND that you don't need them to save you. Maybe they can help you, but they don't need to save you. This is benefiting you because you're able to share your feelings and don't have to keep them bottled inside, but you're also showing them that it's okay for THEM to express their emotions. And you're doing it in a way that they're not parentified – they're still the child in the dynamic, they're just being let into your emotional world.  

You're also showing them that men can be both vulnerable and strong at the same time. This is incredibly important because they can then view themselves as a strong man even if they experience difficult emotions; in the same vein, it's helping so that in the future, they don't perpetuate these unhealthy ways of dealing with emotions, whether it's themselves as a dad or husband, or if you have a daughter, her sending messages to her husband that he can't show those emotions 

Third, it's also a huge teaching moment - it's teaching them how they can respond to someone who's experiencing more intense emotions. If they've been exposed to someone going through those emotions, and it's been shared with them, they're in a much more experienced position to know what to do or how to respond in the future with others. 

Fourth, by teaching them all of these skills, you're actually making them stronger. By suppressing the feelings that you have and hiding them from your kids, in the long run you're creating more difficulty. You're instilling fear within them, instead of making them strong – it's actually making them weaker in the face of emotion. But if they feel confident enough to be vulnerable, to face their own emotions and take the risk of sharing that with others, that's true strength.  

And lastly, you're connecting on a deeper level with your kids. This can be so positive for the relationship that you have with each other, if you're able to talk about these themes or emotions.  

So to wrap up, if you're someone who has bought into this myth, that's okay – I don't judge you for it because it's an idea that's instilled within us from a very young age. But you can do something about it – not only can you feel more comfortable and able in emotional situations, you can teach that to your kids as well. If you need help with it I'd really encourage you to see a therapist or at least find some avenue that helps you work through this. That could be a self-help book, having a family member or friend you would feel comfortable going to to talk about these things and work on them.  

You can also let me know down in the comments if you've found anything in particular that's helped you make this shift. But thank you for watching, feel free to subscribe if you've found this video to be helpful, and have a great rest of your day.