Why We Beat Ourselves Up & How to Stop

People are very good at many things, one of them being having empathy for others. But when it comes to ourselves, we're usually pretty bad at being understanding and accepting, and VERY good at beating ourselves up. It's even more interesting that there is often an inverse relationship between the two – many people who are very empathetic towards others are extremely critical of themselves, and many who are not empathetic towards others are extremely understanding of themselves. But I digress, today we're going to be talking about that theme, and a question I often pose to clients when they're beating themselves up.  

So why is that the case? Why do most of us really lay into ourselves when we're incredibly understanding with others? A few reasons come to mind for me. 

First is that our parents were consistently strict or critical with us, but not with others. If that's the case for us, we're instilled with this idea that we're being criticized because of who we are, and others aren't being criticized because they're good or don't need to improve. At young ages we're usually not going to conclude that the difference in treatment is due to the different relationship that we have – of course your parents aren't strict with their family members or friends because that's not their role. But we don't understand that – we simply conclude that they're critical with us because we deserve it. So naturally we end up treating ourselves in that way – being critical of ourselves because that's how it should be. 

Another reason is that many of us were told at one point or another that we were the problem. Maybe this is our parents again saying that we're awful, maybe we got bullied in school, or we got a lot of negative feedback from a different authority figure. Wherever it's coming from, if we're given that feedback repeatedly, we can tend to believe it and internalize it as being the truth – that we are bad, and therefore it just makes sense to criticize ourselves.  

Third, we think that giving ourselves the same compassion that we give others is letting ourselves off the hook, which is rooted in fear – bear with me here. This is a thought that I've heard countless times working with clients – that I'm being too lenient if I'm understanding with myself. And if I'm too lenient, that means I'm not going to solve the problem – I'm going to continue to screw things up.  

And lastly, we'll often automatically respond empathetically to others who are coming to us for help, but since we're not coming to ourselves for help in that way, it doesn't elicit that compassion. Think about it - if you have a friend who is really feeling low and comes to you, opens up about what they're going through and how terrible they think they are, how would you respond? The most common answer is that we'd respond empathetically – this is partly because of the way they're coming to us. It's like a scolded dog with its head bowed; it just naturally elicits empathy. But with ourselves, we don't have that.  

Now before we get to actual question, why is it more helpful to have a similar level of empathy for yourself as you do for others? The obvious piece is that beating ourselves up is unenjoyable, so you'd be having less time in an unenjoyable state. But let's go a little further than that. Another reason why this is worthwhile is that beating ourselves up is often ineffective. Most people will say that beating themselves up isn't doing anything for them, it's not benefitting them – it's just what they naturally do.  

Usually replacing beating ourselves up with genuinely trying to understand, and then possibly problem solving is a much more effective and healthy way of navigating through a problem. If you think about it, it makes sense – when we're beating ourselves up we're not really learning anything; we're just going over and over in our minds what we did wrong. But if we genuinely ask ourselves what happened or why we did X, Y, or Z, we can start to have more understanding.  

And from that, we can actually problem solve. In some cases there's no solution – for example if my wife misinterprets what I'm saying and gets upset. There's nothing I could've done differently in that moment, miscommunication just happens sometimes. But when there can be a solution, it can be even more helpful to avoid beating ourselves up – for example, I'm frustrated with my wife for running late so I make a passive aggressive comment leading to us getting in an argument. Now, I could just go around and around making myself feel terrible for handling it that way, or I could try to understand. Why did I react like that? I was feeling frustrated that she was running late and I was looking forward to going out, and I concluded that she wasn't as excited, which hurt and frustrated me. So by genuinely thinking about it, I can come to the solution of apologizing to her, and sharing my perspective with her so that we can work together to not only smooth that situation over, but get on the same page in the future.  

This way of working through tough moments can also make difficult situations feel a little (or a lot) more manageable. If our natural way of working through an issue is giving ourselves empathy, there's often more of a willingness to face difficult emotions because we have a constructive way to work through them. If I beat myself up there can be many situations that are overwhelming, partly due to my reaction to myself. But if I give myself compassion, those same situations might not feel as overwhelming because I'm there to have my back – I'm not going to pile on myself.  

So what is the actual exercise, what's the question to ask yourself when you notice that you're lacking that empathy. It's a pretty simple one: if I had a friend, who was going through exactly what I'm going through, struggling with what I'm struggling with, and feeling the way that I'm feeling – how would I respond to them? What would I say to them?  

When I'm working with a client who has a tendency to beat themselves up, I can't remember a single time when they've responded with the same answer they're giving themselves, which is the same experience I have when I'm doing this exercise for something I'm going through.  

And so why is this question in particular helpful? It's pretty self-explanatory on its own, but you're getting rid of the double standard that you have for yourself – the double standard of unfairly holding yourself to a higher standard than you would for anyone else. Since you're projecting your exact experience onto someone else, you're unlocking empathy that you can then lend to yourself. If you conclude that you would be understanding, accepting, reassuring to that friend, get in the habit of saying those same things to yourself.  

Really trying to visualize this can make it easier to think about what you'd say too – try to picture a friend coming to you, explaining their situation, and the ways that they're beating themselves up. Then imagine how you would respond to them – at first you could write down those things you would say to them in your mind. Then, when you're done visualizing it, try to say those same things to you.  

This can take time, so be patient with yourself. For many of us, we've been practicing beating ourselves up for most of our lives – many, many years. So naturally, shifting this to being more empathetic will take time – not the same amount of time that you've beaten yourself up, but it can take months or years of practice for this new way of responding to yourself to be your new automatic response.  

Also, try to notice if you have any resistances to providing yourself with that compassion – does it bring up a fear of being too lenient and a fear coming true because of that? Do you have any guilt if you don't beat yourself up? Do you think others will get upset with you if you're not piling onto yourself? There can often be sticking points like this, and bringing them to your awareness is a fundamental step in shifting this dynamic.  

So to wrap up, in my view, it would be a better and easier world if we gave ourselves that same acceptance that we do for others. If you struggle with this, I encourage you to try to go through this exercise and practice it for a little while. And if this feels too difficult to do on your own, I'd encourage you to see a therapist or get some type of support. The self-talk that we have is usually pretty solidified, so having a professional help navigate through it can be invaluable. You can also let me know in the comments if you've tried this exercise, and how it's helped. If it hasn't, was there anything in particular that felt unhelpful? And if it did help, what relief or benefit did it bring?  

So thank you for watching, and feel free to subscribe if you found it helpful. I'll see you in the next video, and hope you have a great day.